IG. What are you doing in my seat?
MC. I’ve always lived and worked in this seat, much as my actual address might be that seat over there, it’s just a nasty rumour.
AK. Shift or you won’t be able to sit.
IG. OK, let’s bring this meeting to order.
JB. Steak and chips, onion rings, a side order of fries, coleslaw, some mushrooms, fried tomatoes, extra chips, garlic bread, fried egg, fling in a couple of sausages just in case, and some chips to go.
IG. No, no, I want to start the meeting.
JB. Maybe time for just a quick snack first then?
IG. Let’s get on. We need a strategy.
AK. For what?
IG. To let me get the better of Salmond.
AK. Are you kidding? The only chance you’ve got of beating Salmond is if you challenge him to a race – and even then it’s a toss-up between him keeling over or you. You should all be like me, fit and staying young, just me and the two twins. In fact, that’s a new rule – we’re all getting fit, as well as the corporate song at meetings we’ll have the John Prescott dance.
AK. What was that?
JB. Sorry, I had a pie stuck in my teeth, even I’d be embarrassed to do the Prescott dance.
AK. It’s either that or aerobics.
IG. Back to business…
AK. Hang on, pal, I’ll decide what’s happening here. Right, back to business. Iain …
IG. Thanks. We’ve got to get through this and find something better. I refuse to have my political epitaph being “well, at least he was better than Wendy Alexander”.
SP. Marginally, surely?
MC. If at all.
IG. So we need to have some strategy or a plan
AK. Or a clue?
IG. Anything, really, a big scheme, something like a deal on a referendum or something – something they won’t be expecting.
GF. Wit …
IG. Something they won’t be expecting
GF. Pearls before swine …
AK. What about a poster campaign about divorce?
IG. Where do we get the money?
CG. I know a guy who …
IG. Probably not.
JL. There’s a memo just arrived from Downing Street.
IG. What does it say?
JL. It’s very short.
IG. How short?
JL. It just says “stop fucking it up”
AK. Some chance!
JL. “or I’ll bring Helen Liddell back”.
IG. Good god, “things can only get better”
AK. Dance fat boy dance