Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Dirty Shagger

Just look at this dirty shagpile carpet here.

Terrible isn't it. IMagine letting your shagpile get that dirty. Whoever is responsible for it should own up quickly. They should be ashamed of themselves. The worst thing would be if they tried to claim they couldn`t remember getting the carpet dirty....

...why, why did you think I was talking about?

Monday, March 23, 2009

A fine example

Iain Gray's constituent in full flow - fine style

Friday, March 13, 2009

My favourite hymn

What a Friend we have in Gordon, He has shown He really cares
He is our strength and our salvation, He’s the answer to our prayers.
O what peace we often forfeit, O what needless pain we bear,
All because we do not carry everything to Gord ‘n’ share.

Have we trials and temptations? Is there trouble anywhere?
We should never be discouraged; take it to the Gord ‘n’ share.
Can we find a friend so faithful who will all our borrows share?
Gordon taxes all our income; take it to the Gord ‘n’ share.

Are we poor and well indebted, cumbered with a load of care?
Precious Saviour, still our refuge, take it to the Gord ‘n’ share.
Do your friends despise, forsake you? Take it to the Gord ‘n’ share!
His fiscal stimulus will shield you; you will find a solace there.

Blessed Saviour, Thou hast promised Thou wilt all our burdens bear
May we ever, Gord, be bringing all to Thee, here, have my share.
Soon in glory bright unclouded there will be no need for shares
Bankrupts, debt and endless taxing will be our sweet portion there.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Gordon Brown saved my cat

The Daily Retread

Crippled pensioner widow Mrs Dinah McThunder was full of praise for teh Prime Minister today as she revealed that not only did he save the world and the banks hbut he took time out of his busy schedule to save her cat as well.

Speaking from teh living room of her home where she has lived since her huisband died a heroes death in a horrific ice-skating accident, Mrs McThunder said:

"Gordon Brown is a true hero. Tiddles was up his favourite tree and purring away - obviously distressed and stuck there. He would have starved to death, I was at my wits end and I was crying into my hanky, there was nothing I could do to get yhim down. I even offered him his favourite trreats but he just looked at me and purred again.

"I was getting so desperate I was going to dial 999 but I didn't know the number then Gordon Brown came on teh radio talking about how he's Obama's best hero. Within seconds Tiddles fell asleep and then went Tiddly-plop right off the tree. Gordon Brown is my hero."

Neighbour Brian Wilson said "She's a mad old bhat, her, talks to pigeons. That's not even her cat."

A Downing Street official said "The Prime Minister is, of course, delighted to have been of help in this instance and wishes it to be known that he cares about every single one of the cats in this country and wishes Tiddles all the best in his future career training as a welder."

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Mike Watson

I compliment the Labour party on the sensible cut during the football team scene. Next left was Mike Watson - sensible cut.


Sunday, March 8, 2009

and another


Further to the last memo people have been calling to say that its Andy who's calling the great leader a half-wit.

I just don't believe that Andy woudl do that.



If I find out which of you half-wits said it was me you'll be for it.


Half-wit no more


Please note that it will no longer be acceptable for group members to refer to the Prime Minister as a half-wit.

It's true he's made mistakes like the economy and that and all of his predictions are gash and his clever analysis is barf-inducing makie-up stuff and he's a loon, but he is our leader.

Everybody thinks that I'm the leader but its not true, Gordon Brown is our leader except when we're in the SCottish Parliament which isn't like the big parliament where i was allowed to work as an offfice junior for a while. It wasz almost as good as being a socialist was or at least what I remember is.

Right then, if anybody calls teh Prime Minister a half-wit again Andy will be round to sort them out. Just because it's true doesn't mean you have to say it.

That is all


Thursday, March 5, 2009



IG. Right, that’s those pesky gnats stuffed on their independence referendum, good job people. Now they’re going to have to campaign on their record in Government – hah!

AK. You’re right – for once – a cracking wheeze. Just a pity you let the Lib Dems do it and take all the credit, isn’t it?

IG. Me? What about you?

AK. Nothing to do with me, mate. Anyway, we’re here now, and they’re aw stitched up and done in, they’ll have to defend their record.

RB. Exactly! more police than ever before – we didn’t have that many police on the street, what kind of a society have the SNP created?

CJ. Record numbers of police – we never had that!

SP. Maybe best not mentioning that one, eh?

IG. Right enough, what about the rest of their record?

AK. Kept open those hospitals we were shutting.

SP. Ah, em, maybe not.

WA. Town centre regeneration – there they are splashing all the cash around to regenerate town centres, that was my idea!

SP. What, a Renfrewshire Renaissance? whatever happened to all those SIF files?

GF. Safe as houses, nobody’ll ever find them.

AK. Who told you your house was safe?

IG. Right, so we stay away from police numbers, hospitals and our own dodgy dossiers. What else is there?

RB. Knives! We can get them on knife crime.

SP. Calm down, Riccardo, knife crime in England has doubled since we came to power – even Keith Vaz has noticed that and he’s pretty thick.

IG. Curses, damn those pesky gnats!

AK. Students!

SP. Nah, they’re better than us there as well.

AK. What do we pay you for? Just to be a party pooper.

SP. This party’s already pooped pal.

IG. So is there anything we can get them on?

SP. Not really, you’re kinda shafted.

IG. Damn the thing. Any ideas?

WA. What about a referendum?

IG. Anybody got Salmond’s phone number/? “thiiiiiiiings, can only get better”

AK. DAnce! Everybody dance!

He's taking the piss now.

Jim (James to his mum) Murphy, Labour's head boy in Scotland, is clearly now just taking the piss.

He's been interviewed by the Hootsmon. In the interview he was asked about what he thought of the standard of debate in Holyrood.

"I have seen clips on the news and they seem to shout a lot. But that is up to them. You wouldn't get away with that in the Commons. I don't watch it very often, but occasionally I will see it and they will do a lot of shouting."

Aye, those splendidly well behaved MPs...you'd never see them bawling and shouting...

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

A strategy


IG. What are you doing in my seat?

MC. I’ve always lived and worked in this seat, much as my actual address might be that seat over there, it’s just a nasty rumour.

AK. Shift or you won’t be able to sit.

IG. OK, let’s bring this meeting to order.

JB. Steak and chips, onion rings, a side order of fries, coleslaw, some mushrooms, fried tomatoes, extra chips, garlic bread, fried egg, fling in a couple of sausages just in case, and some chips to go.

IG. No, no, I want to start the meeting.

JB. Maybe time for just a quick snack first then?

IG. Let’s get on. We need a strategy.

AK. For what?

IG. To let me get the better of Salmond.

AK. Are you kidding? The only chance you’ve got of beating Salmond is if you challenge him to a race – and even then it’s a toss-up between him keeling over or you. You should all be like me, fit and staying young, just me and the two twins. In fact, that’s a new rule – we’re all getting fit, as well as the corporate song at meetings we’ll have the John Prescott dance.

JB. Hummmuffeell

AK. What was that?

JB. Sorry, I had a pie stuck in my teeth, even I’d be embarrassed to do the Prescott dance.

AK. It’s either that or aerobics.

IG. Back to business…

AK. Hang on, pal, I’ll decide what’s happening here. Right, back to business. Iain …

IG. Thanks. We’ve got to get through this and find something better. I refuse to have my political epitaph being “well, at least he was better than Wendy Alexander”.

SP. Marginally, surely?

MC. If at all.

IG. So we need to have some strategy or a plan

AK. Or a clue?

IG. Anything, really, a big scheme, something like a deal on a referendum or something – something they won’t be expecting.

GF. Wit …

IG. Something they won’t be expecting

GF. Pearls before swine …

AK. What about a poster campaign about divorce?

IG. Where do we get the money?

CG. I know a guy who …

IG. Probably not.

JL. There’s a memo just arrived from Downing Street.

IG. What does it say?

JL. It’s very short.

IG. How short?

JL. It just says “stop fucking it up”

AK. Some chance!

JL. “or I’ll bring Helen Liddell back”.

JB. Tasty!

IG. Good god, “things can only get better”

AK. Dance fat boy dance

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Airbrushed Beauty

Anyone else notice the attempts to de-piggify the public image of Richard Baker, shadow Cabinet Secretary for pointless whining?

Until a few days ago we had this picture all over the Scottish Labour website:


His natural sneer, shifty little eyes, nostrils flared (I think Jackie Baillie had walked by with the Labour group's lunchtime pie order) still-in-nappies oik looks are so endearing.


All copies have now been replaced with the all-new insincere smile, tamed nostrils, bland corporate man of action... Go get 'em Richie boy.

Now all you have to do is come up with a policy (any policy would be a start) ............. 
If that doesn't happen you could keep on with the pointless whinging that those pesky nats are trying to fix stuff that your useless lot managed to ignore for 50 years.

Inside the Labour Think-Tank

Preparing for Questions to the First Minister


IG. Right then, pay attention, Karen leave some of the cream buns for the rest of us, George, stop bouncing about, sit down. Right then, I'm sick of taking a kicking every week, we need some better ideas for FMQs. Anybody?

DM. Sound of Music!

IG. Sorry, Duncan, did you say "the Sound of Music"?

DM. Aye, that'll get them, they won't be expecting that!

IG. How, exactly is the Sound of Music good for FMQs?

DM. I went at hte weekend and it was pure mince - must be the SNP's fault.

GF. Was it a dressy-up one?

DM. Aye, excellent it was, great fun.

GF. Who did you go as?

DM. I went as a nun, best gear I've ever worn, I'll tell you. Waxing the bikini line was a bit severe, right enough, but I got to enjoying it so much that I did the whole lot - smooth as a whistle and once I'd put on a wee pair of silkies and slipped on a set of stockings I very nearly never left the hoose. Doon the Waterfront, got right in aboot it and danced the night away. Copped off wi a builder fae Port Glasgow - couldna help it, he had lederhosen on and I went weak at the knees.

IG. Thanks for that, Duncan, but I'm not sure we can use it. Anybody else got anything?

GF. What's that clicking noise?

WA. It's me, I'm knitting socks for sailors.

SP. Somethign constructive eventually then ...

IG. Sod it, I'll just do the same old gash instead. Right, then, "thiiiiings can only get better"

Body Language

Monday, March 2, 2009

Alcohol & Labour

Excerpt of a minute from the Labour group meeting to discuss its approach to the alcohol strategy:

IG. Right, come to order. Richard, you're leading on this, what's the position?

RB. I've changed my name.

IG. What?

RB. Richard's a bit too boring for a man in trhe shadow cabinet. From now on I want to be called Riccardo Bakerelli - that's far more like it.

IG. OK ... Riccardo - what about the alcohol strategy thing?

RB. It's all the SNP's fault.

IG. What is?

RB. The alcohol strategy. It's all a dirty, underhanded nationalist plot to deprive the poor bairns of Scotland of their Buckfast and their White Lightning and thus drive a wedge between those young people and the fine, upstanding tradition of getting off your face and throwing up in the street, meaning that these poor misguided youths will grow up with no concept of proper drinking to get bladdered and falling down in the gutter. The ultimate aim is obvious, if they can't carry on their parents' tradition of drinking until comatose then they might think that it's also ok to start thinking for themselves and they'll vote for teh SNP and all their clarty filthy separation and we'll all be unemployed. We've got to fight this with everything we've got.

IG. Great, so what's the plan?

RB. Well, I thought we could talk about the massive dangers of alcohol, all about all the dmage it does and about how it's a basic human right for bairns to get booze from the supermarkets at a price they can afford from tehir pocket money. Then we can campaign abouth therre not being enough polis on the street to cope with the public disorder problems and that there's not enough A&E departments to cope with all the stabbings that come from people getting pished and getting into fights - and that also lets us say that the SNP is soft on knife crime, which means that all we have to do is get in the way of them doing something and everything becomes theiur fault. Excellent plotting is it not?

IG. OK richard

RB. Riccardo

IG. Sorry, OK Riccardo, let's see what other people think. George, you're a 'seasoned' campaigner - what do you think?

GF. hic

IG. OK, moving on, moving on... James, give us your thoughts.

JK. I welcome the opportunity to take part in this afternoon’s debate. We spend a lot of time in the Parliament debating health and other big issues—for example, how we spend the £11 billion budget, deal with drug and alcohol policy and tackle health inequalities. There is no doubt that we need to have a framework in which to deal with public health. If we get that right, it will contribute towards the overall health and wellbeing of the Scottish people. It is important that the actions of this Labour Governement in opposition serves those objectives. It is definitely a step in the right direction.
If organisations or companies are found to be responsible in such instances, their unsociable behaviour should be dealt with. We need to take a strong stand against them.
The point of being involved in politics—I am talking not only about Labour members but members across the chamber—is to make a difference.

IG. Right, OK, let's move on. Let's have the corporate anthem. All together now "Things ... can only get better"


"Sovereignty remains with me as an English MP and that is the way it will stay."
Tony Blair 1997

"It is very important to recognise that Britishness and Britain itself is not based on ethnicity and race,"
Gordon Brown 2007

'The principle of the unlimited sovereignty of Parliament is a distinctly English principle which has no counterpart in Scottish Constitutional Law... considering that the union legislation extinguished the Parliaments of Scotland and of England and replaced them with anew parliament, I have difficulty in seeing why it should have been supposed that the new Parliament of Great Britain must inherit all the peculiar characteristics of the English Parliament but none of the Scottish Parliament as if all that happened in 1707 was that ... Scottish representatives were admitted to the Parliament of England. That is not what was done....I have not found in the Union legislation any provision that the parliament of Great Britain should be absolutely sovereign in the sense that parliament should be free to alter the treaty at will...'
Lord Cooper 1953