IG. Right, that’s those pesky gnats stuffed on their independence referendum, good job people. Now they’re going to have to campaign on their record in Government – hah!
AK. You’re right – for once – a cracking wheeze. Just a pity you let the Lib Dems do it and take all the credit, isn’t it?
IG. Me? What about you?
AK. Nothing to do with me, mate. Anyway, we’re here now, and they’re aw stitched up and done in, they’ll have to defend their record.
RB. Exactly! more police than ever before – we didn’t have that many police on the street, what kind of a society have the SNP created?
CJ. Record numbers of police – we never had that!
SP. Maybe best not mentioning that one, eh?
IG. Right enough, what about the rest of their record?
AK. Kept open those hospitals we were shutting.
SP. Ah, em, maybe not.
WA. Town centre regeneration – there they are splashing all the cash around to regenerate town centres, that was my idea!
SP. What, a Renfrewshire Renaissance? whatever happened to all those SIF files?
GF. Safe as houses, nobody’ll ever find them.
AK. Who told you your house was safe?
IG. Right, so we stay away from police numbers, hospitals and our own dodgy dossiers. What else is there?
RB. Knives! We can get them on knife crime.
SP. Calm down, Riccardo, knife crime in England has doubled since we came to power – even Keith Vaz has noticed that and he’s pretty thick.
IG. Curses, damn those pesky gnats!
SP. Nah, they’re better than us there as well.
AK. What do we pay you for? Just to be a party pooper.
SP. This party’s already pooped pal.
IG. So is there anything we can get them on?
SP. Not really, you’re kinda shafted.
IG. Damn the thing. Any ideas?
WA. What about a referendum?
IG. Anybody got Salmond’s phone number/? “thiiiiiiiings, can only get better”
AK. DAnce! Everybody dance!