I've just received these emails in a brown paper internet connection, they reveal that labours internet camapign has changed:
On 13 April 2009, at 18:34, "Dangerous Bridie" wrote: I say chaps, I've just thought of a cracking wheeze involving this internetty bloggadooda thing!
What about we set up one of those online newslettery things and tell everyone how spiffing we are and how terribly gooder we are than those poor chaps in the blue?
What say you all?
On 13 April 2009, at 18:35, "Delilah Dufflecoat" wrote: I think he's onto something here! It's something we've never tried before. I say "what ho and give it a go"!
On 13 April 2009, at 18:36, "Free Wheelin" wrote: Ya pair o stupit diddies! I arrange all this funding for you and the best you can come up with is a fornicatin blog? Get yer fengers oot an dae sumthin!
On 13 April 2009, at 18:37, "Dangerous Bridie" wrote: Oh, you're a bit rough, aren't you? This interwebbing is all the rage, you know, even Pressy Obama did it and you know how sexy he is.
On 13 April 2009, at 18:38, "Delilah Dufflecoat" wrote: Oooooh, isn't he? If he did it so should we, let's get sexy! What shall we write?
On 13 April 2009, at 18:39, "Free Wheelin" wrote: give me strength!
On 13 April 2009, at 18:40, "Dangerous Bridie" wrote: well, we should make it clear that we're going to be nice.
On 13 April 2009, at 18:41, "Delilah Dufflecoat" wrote: You're right, you're right, let's invite that nice Mr Cameron round for tea and a spot of cake.
On 13 April 2009, at 18:42, "Dangerous Bridie" wrote: Oh what a good idea, you're a genius, so you are!!!! And we can offer him all the Tory policies back - we've had tehm too long.
On 13 April 2009, at 18:43, "Free Wheelin" wrote: I think I'll offer him you two.
On 13 April 2009, at 18:44, "Dangerous Bridie" and "Delilah Dufflecoat" wrote: Oh, you are wicked, sir, suits you sir.
On 13 April 2009, at 18:45, "Free Wheelin" wrote: I give up
On 13 April 2009, at 18:46, "Dangerous Bridie" wrote: I do like a submissive one!
On 13 April 2009, at 18:47, "Dangerous Bridie" wrote: Oooooh! Behave!
It took me ages to get out of thart cupboard. who locked the door, who was it, come on, come on.
Anyway, I can exclusively reveal that Jacqui Smith, the two Home Secretarey was at home in Redditch with her husband on rthe 1st and the 6th of april last year when the porn was bought.
here's the transcripts from the listening device that MFI installed in their house (well, MFI seems to have been there a lot):
1st Her: Darling, I think we might be right royally screwed when the expenses claims are published after we lose the court case to keep it secret.
Him: Really dear? Why's that?
Her: Well, they'll find out about everything, not just our £550 stone sink and console for the kitchen, £568.95 for two washing machines, £119.99 for a Vax carpet cleaner, £405.37 for plumbing, £500 on a shower mixer, and 88p bath plug, £1,000 fireplace, £369.99 32-inch flatscreen TV, £575 armchair, £511.20 sofabed, £72 for four scatter cushions, and £110 on bed linen as well as £1,370 on decorators, £1,200 on electrical work, and £409 for carpenters to fix the front, back and toilet doors and our cleaners at more than £2,000 a year, and mortgage interest over £11,000 a year. They'll even find out about, you know - the thing ...
Him: The thing? You didn't get that on expenses too, did you?
Her: Of course I did, I get everything on expenses.
Him: Including the loo roll?
Him: They won't find out that you employ me will they?
Her: They already know. They also know that I pay you £40,000 a year to write letters to teh local paper saying how wonderful I am.
Him: £40,000? I didn't know I got paid that much!
Her: Well, it goes straight into my account.
Her: It'll all come crashing down around our ears when the receipts get published though.
Him: Do what Alastair Campbell always did - run some interference.
Her: Some what?
Him: Have a distraction, something to take their attention away.
Her: A distraction! Excellent idea. You can be the distraction, give me that TV control.
Him: What on earth are you doing?
Her: There you are, you sit there and watch some porn.
Him: What? What for? I've seen this one before, it's not very good, the storyline isn't believable.
Her: What storyline?
Him: Exactly my point, it's all just full of sex, you're much better with something like Tickling Santa - at least there's some singing.
Her: How much of this stuff do you watch?
Him: I never watch any of it.
Him: Anyway, why have you put porn on the telly?
Her: So I can claim it back on expenses.
Him: What? Have you gone mad? Don't you think there's enough filth al;ready in your expenses?
Her: Yes, but when teh press see a porn film being claimed for they'll go nuts and they'll ignore everything else.
Him: But they'll never believe that you watch porn.
Her: That's why you're taking the blame.
6th April Her: Give me that TV remote
Him: What for?
Her: Just hand it over.
Him: What are you doing? More porn? Why?
Her: one won't be enough, you'll need to look like a serial filthy pervert.
Him: Can't we blame someone else?
Her: No. You're the closest to a pervert I know - other than Nigel Griffiths...
Terrible isn't it. IMagine letting your shagpile get that dirty. Whoever is responsible for it should own up quickly. They should be ashamed of themselves. The worst thing would be if they tried to claim they couldn`t remember getting the carpet dirty....
What a Friend we have in Gordon, He has shown He really cares He is our strength and our salvation, He’s the answer to our prayers. O what peace we often forfeit, O what needless pain we bear, All because we do not carry everything to Gord ‘n’ share.
Have we trials and temptations? Is there trouble anywhere? We should never be discouraged; take it to the Gord ‘n’ share. Can we find a friend so faithful who will all our borrows share? Gordon taxes all our income; take it to the Gord ‘n’ share.
Are we poor and well indebted, cumbered with a load of care? Precious Saviour, still our refuge, take it to the Gord ‘n’ share. Do your friends despise, forsake you? Take it to the Gord ‘n’ share! His fiscal stimulus will shield you; you will find a solace there.
Blessed Saviour, Thou hast promised Thou wilt all our burdens bear May we ever, Gord, be bringing all to Thee, here, have my share. Soon in glory bright unclouded there will be no need for shares Bankrupts, debt and endless taxing will be our sweet portion there.
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