Thursday, April 9, 2009

it was jacqui smith wot dun it

chunder chunder chunder chunder chunder chunder

It took me ages to get out of thart cupboard. who locked the door, who was it, come on, come on.

Anyway, I can exclusively reveal that Jacqui Smith, the two Home Secretarey was at home in Redditch with her husband on rthe 1st and the 6th of april last year when the porn was bought.

here's the transcripts from the listening device that MFI installed in their house (well, MFI seems to have been there a lot):

Her: Darling, I think we might be right royally screwed when the expenses claims are published after we lose the court case to keep it secret.

Him: Really dear? Why's that?

Her: Well, they'll find out about everything, not just our £550 stone sink and console for the kitchen, £568.95 for two washing machines, £119.99 for a Vax carpet cleaner, £405.37 for plumbing, £500 on a shower mixer, and 88p bath plug, £1,000 fireplace, £369.99 32-inch flatscreen TV, £575 armchair, £511.20 sofabed, £72 for four scatter cushions, and £110 on bed linen as well as £1,370 on decorators, £1,200 on electrical work, and £409 for carpenters to fix the front, back and toilet doors and our cleaners at more than £2,000 a year, and mortgage interest over £11,000 a year. They'll even find out about, you know - the thing ...

Him: The thing? You didn't get that on expenses too, did you?

Her: Of course I did, I get everything on expenses.

Him: Including the loo roll?

Her: Yes.

Him: They won't find out that you employ me will they?

Her: They already know. They also know that I pay you £40,000 a year to write letters to teh local paper saying how wonderful I am.

Him: £40,000? I didn't know I got paid that much!

Her: Well, it goes straight into my account.

Him: Oh.

Her: It'll all come crashing down around our ears when the receipts get published though.

Him: Do what Alastair Campbell always did - run some interference.

Her: Some what?

Him: Have a distraction, something to take their attention away.

Her: A distraction! Excellent idea. You can be the distraction, give me that TV control.

Him: What on earth are you doing?

Her: There you are, you sit there and watch some porn.

Him: What? What for? I've seen this one before, it's not very good, the storyline isn't believable.

Her: What storyline?

Him: Exactly my point, it's all just full of sex, you're much better with something like Tickling Santa - at least there's some singing.

Her: How much of this stuff do you watch?

Him: I never watch any of it.

Her: Hmmmmmm....

Him: Anyway, why have you put porn on the telly?

Her: So I can claim it back on expenses.

Him: What? Have you gone mad? Don't you think there's enough filth al;ready in your expenses?

Her: Yes, but when teh press see a porn film being claimed for they'll go nuts and they'll ignore everything else.

Him: But they'll never believe that you watch porn.

Her: That's why you're taking the blame.

6th April
Her: Give me that TV remote

Him: What for?

Her: Just hand it over.

Him: What are you doing? More porn? Why?

Her: one won't be enough, you'll need to look like a serial filthy pervert.

Him: Can't we blame someone else?

Her: No. You're the closest to a pervert I know - other than Nigel Griffiths...

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