Gordon Brown saved my cat

The Daily Retread

Crippled pensioner widow Mrs Dinah McThunder was full of praise for teh Prime Minister today as she revealed that not only did he save the world and the banks hbut he took time out of his busy schedule to save her cat as well.

Speaking from teh living room of her home where she has lived since her huisband died a heroes death in a horrific ice-skating accident, Mrs McThunder said:

"Gordon Brown is a true hero. Tiddles was up his favourite tree and purring away - obviously distressed and stuck there. He would have starved to death, I was at my wits end and I was crying into my hanky, there was nothing I could do to get yhim down. I even offered him his favourite trreats but he just looked at me and purred again.

"I was getting so desperate I was going to dial 999 but I didn't know the number then Gordon Brown came on teh radio talking about how he's Obama's best hero. Within seconds Tiddles fell asleep and then went Tiddly-plop right off the tree. Gordon Brown is my hero."

Neighbour Brian Wilson said "She's a mad old bhat, her, talks to pigeons. That's not even her cat."

A Downing Street official said "The Prime Minister is, of course, delighted to have been of help in this instance and wishes it to be known that he cares about every single one of the cats in this country and wishes Tiddles all the best in his future career training as a welder."

Mike Watson

I compliment the Labour party on the sensible cut during the football team scene. Next left was Mike Watson - sensible cut.

http://keziadugdale.blogspot.com/2009/03/scottish-labour-ppb.html

and another

Memo

Further to the last memo people have been calling to say that its Andy who's calling the great leader a half-wit.

I just don't believe that Andy woudl do that.

IG



Extra

If I find out which of you half-wits said it was me you'll be for it.

AK

Half-wit no more

Memo

Please note that it will no longer be acceptable for group members to refer to the Prime Minister as a half-wit.

It's true he's made mistakes like the economy and that and all of his predictions are gash and his clever analysis is barf-inducing makie-up stuff and he's a loon, but he is our leader.

Everybody thinks that I'm the leader but its not true, Gordon Brown is our leader except when we're in the SCottish Parliament which isn't like the big parliament where i was allowed to work as an offfice junior for a while. It wasz almost as good as being a socialist was or at least what I remember is.

Right then, if anybody calls teh Prime Minister a half-wit again Andy will be round to sort them out. Just because it's true doesn't mean you have to say it.

That is all

IG

Referendum

Minute

IG. Right, that’s those pesky gnats stuffed on their independence referendum, good job people. Now they’re going to have to campaign on their record in Government – hah!

AK. You’re right – for once – a cracking wheeze. Just a pity you let the Lib Dems do it and take all the credit, isn’t it?

IG. Me? What about you?

AK. Nothing to do with me, mate. Anyway, we’re here now, and they’re aw stitched up and done in, they’ll have to defend their record.

RB. Exactly! more police than ever before – we didn’t have that many police on the street, what kind of a society have the SNP created?

CJ. Record numbers of police – we never had that!

SP. Maybe best not mentioning that one, eh?

IG. Right enough, what about the rest of their record?

AK. Kept open those hospitals we were shutting.

SP. Ah, em, maybe not.

WA. Town centre regeneration – there they are splashing all the cash around to regenerate town centres, that was my idea!

SP. What, a Renfrewshire Renaissance? whatever happened to all those SIF files?

GF. Safe as houses, nobody’ll ever find them.

AK. Who told you your house was safe?

IG. Right, so we stay away from police numbers, hospitals and our own dodgy dossiers. What else is there?

RB. Knives! We can get them on knife crime.

SP. Calm down, Riccardo, knife crime in England has doubled since we came to power – even Keith Vaz has noticed that and he’s pretty thick.

IG. Curses, damn those pesky gnats!

AK. Students!

SP. Nah, they’re better than us there as well.

AK. What do we pay you for? Just to be a party pooper.

SP. This party’s already pooped pal.

IG. So is there anything we can get them on?

SP. Not really, you’re kinda shafted.

IG. Damn the thing. Any ideas?

WA. What about a referendum?

IG. Anybody got Salmond’s phone number/? “thiiiiiiiings, can only get better”

AK. DAnce! Everybody dance!

He's taking the piss now.

Jim (James to his mum) Murphy, Labour's head boy in Scotland, is clearly now just taking the piss.

He's been interviewed by the Hootsmon. In the interview he was asked about what he thought of the standard of debate in Holyrood.

"I have seen clips on the news and they seem to shout a lot. But that is up to them. You wouldn't get away with that in the Commons. I don't watch it very often, but occasionally I will see it and they will do a lot of shouting."

Aye, those splendidly well behaved MPs...you'd never see them bawling and shouting...

A strategy

Minute

IG. What are you doing in my seat?

MC. I’ve always lived and worked in this seat, much as my actual address might be that seat over there, it’s just a nasty rumour.

AK. Shift or you won’t be able to sit.

IG. OK, let’s bring this meeting to order.

JB. Steak and chips, onion rings, a side order of fries, coleslaw, some mushrooms, fried tomatoes, extra chips, garlic bread, fried egg, fling in a couple of sausages just in case, and some chips to go.

IG. No, no, I want to start the meeting.

JB. Maybe time for just a quick snack first then?

IG. Let’s get on. We need a strategy.

AK. For what?

IG. To let me get the better of Salmond.

AK. Are you kidding? The only chance you’ve got of beating Salmond is if you challenge him to a race – and even then it’s a toss-up between him keeling over or you. You should all be like me, fit and staying young, just me and the two twins. In fact, that’s a new rule – we’re all getting fit, as well as the corporate song at meetings we’ll have the John Prescott dance.

JB. Hummmuffeell

AK. What was that?

JB. Sorry, I had a pie stuck in my teeth, even I’d be embarrassed to do the Prescott dance.

AK. It’s either that or aerobics.

IG. Back to business…

AK. Hang on, pal, I’ll decide what’s happening here. Right, back to business. Iain …

IG. Thanks. We’ve got to get through this and find something better. I refuse to have my political epitaph being “well, at least he was better than Wendy Alexander”.

SP. Marginally, surely?

MC. If at all.

IG. So we need to have some strategy or a plan

AK. Or a clue?

IG. Anything, really, a big scheme, something like a deal on a referendum or something – something they won’t be expecting.

GF. Wit …

IG. Something they won’t be expecting

GF. Pearls before swine …

AK. What about a poster campaign about divorce?

IG. Where do we get the money?

CG. I know a guy who …

IG. Probably not.

JL. There’s a memo just arrived from Downing Street.

IG. What does it say?

JL. It’s very short.

IG. How short?

JL. It just says “stop fucking it up”

AK. Some chance!

JL. “or I’ll bring Helen Liddell back”.

JB. Tasty!

IG. Good god, “things can only get better”

AK. Dance fat boy dance

Airbrushed Beauty

Anyone else notice the attempts to de-piggify the public image of Richard Baker, shadow Cabinet Secretary for pointless whining?

Until a few days ago we had this picture all over the Scottish Labour website:

Before:





His natural sneer, shifty little eyes, nostrils flared (I think Jackie Baillie had walked by with the Labour group's lunchtime pie order) still-in-nappies oik looks are so endearing.

After:



All copies have now been replaced with the all-new insincere smile, tamed nostrils, bland corporate man of action... Go get 'em Richie boy.

Now all you have to do is come up with a policy (any policy would be a start) ............. 

If that doesn't happen you could keep on with the pointless whinging that those pesky nats are trying to fix stuff that your useless lot managed to ignore for 50 years.

Like alcohol related illnesses and deaths. 

Inside the Labour Think-Tank

Preparing for Questions to the First Minister


Minute

IG. Right then, pay attention, Karen leave some of the cream buns for the rest of us, George, stop bouncing about, sit down. Right then, I'm sick of taking a kicking every week, we need some better ideas for FMQs. Anybody?

DM. Sound of Music!

IG. Sorry, Duncan, did you say "the Sound of Music"?

DM. Aye, that'll get them, they won't be expecting that!

IG. How, exactly is the Sound of Music good for FMQs?

DM. I went at hte weekend and it was pure mince - must be the SNP's fault.

GF. Was it a dressy-up one?

DM. Aye, excellent it was, great fun.

GF. Who did you go as?

DM. I went as a nun, best gear I've ever worn, I'll tell you. Waxing the bikini line was a bit severe, right enough, but I got to enjoying it so much that I did the whole lot - smooth as a whistle and once I'd put on a wee pair of silkies and slipped on a set of stockings I very nearly never left the hoose. Doon the Waterfront, got right in aboot it and danced the night away. Copped off wi a builder fae Port Glasgow - couldna help it, he had lederhosen on and I went weak at the knees.

IG. Thanks for that, Duncan, but I'm not sure we can use it. Anybody else got anything?

GF. What's that clicking noise?

WA. It's me, I'm knitting socks for sailors.

SP. Somethign constructive eventually then ...

IG. Sod it, I'll just do the same old gash instead. Right, then, "thiiiiings can only get better"

Body Language