Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Sick!
Did Jeremiah "granny-killer" Purvies really just suggest that comapssion for teh libyan guy should have been a quick trip to a Swiss clinic and a needle in the arm?
Monday, July 13, 2009
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Labour - useless
Right, I've finished cleaning the moat and trimming the helipad (I have to do my own, you know) so I thought i'd catch up on the news.
Labour launched their campaing:
Fucktards.
Labour launched their campaing:
Fucktards.
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Leader of the House - the Miserables
The brand new West End production of The Miserables has just launched. Sing along!
Leader of the House
Welcome, My friend, sit yourself down
And meet the best twister in town
As for the rest, all of 'em crooks:
Rooking their guests and cooking the books
Seldom you see
Honest women like me
With good intent
Who's content to be
Leader of the house, doling out the charm
Ready with a handshake and an open palm
Tells a saucy tale, makes a little stir
Constituents appreciate a bon-viveur
Glad to do a friend a favor
Doesn't cost me to be nice
But nothing gets you nothing
Everything has got a little price!
Leader of the house, keeper of the zoo
Ready to relieve 'em of a pound or two
Watering the wine, making up the weight
Pickin' up their knick-knacks when they can't see straight
Everybody loves a leader
Everybody's bosom friend
I do whatever pleases
Jesus! Won't I bleed 'em in the end!
Leader of the house, quick to catch yer eye
Never wants a passerby to pass him by
Servant to the poor, butler to the great
Comforter, philosopher, and lifelong mate!
Everybody's boon companion
Everybody's chaperone
But lock up your valises
Jesus! Won't I skin you to the bone!
Enter tax payer, lay down your load
Unlace your boots, rest from the road
This weighs a ton, travel's a curse
But here we strive to lighten your purse
Here the goose is cooked
Here the fat is fried
And nothing's overlooked
Till I'm satisfied
Food beyond compare. Food beyond belief
Mix it in a mincer and pretend it's beef
Kidney of a horse, liver of a cat
Filling up the sausages with this and that
Residents are more than welcome
Bridal suite is occupied
Reasonable charges
Plus some little extras on the side!
Charge 'em for the lice, extra for the mice
Two percent for looking in the mirror twice
Here a little slice, there a little cut
Three percent for sleeping with the window shut
When it comes to fixing prices
There are a lot of tricks he knows
How it all increases, all them bits and pieces
Jesus! It's amazing how it grows!
Leader of the house, quick to catch yer eye
Never wants a passerby to pass him by
Servant to the poor, butler to the great
Comforter, philosopher, and lifelong mate!
Everybody's boon companion
Gives 'em everything he's got
Dirty bunch of geezers
Jesus! What a sorry little lot!
I used to dream that I would meet a prince
But God Almighty, have you seen what's happened since?
Leader of the house?
Isn't worth me spit!
`Comforter, philosopher' and lifelong shit!
Cunning little brain, regular Voltaire
Thinks he's quite a lover but there's not much there
What a cruel trick of nature landed me with such a louse
God knows how I've lasted living with this bastard in the house!
Leader of the house!
Leader and a half!
Comforter, philosopher
don't make me laugh!
Servant to the poor, butler to the great
Hypocrite and toady and inebriate!
Everybody bless the landlord! Everybody bless his spouse!
Everybody raise a glass
Raise it up the leader's arse
Everybody raise a glass to the Leader of the House!
Leader of the House
Welcome, My friend, sit yourself down
And meet the best twister in town
As for the rest, all of 'em crooks:
Rooking their guests and cooking the books
Seldom you see
Honest women like me
With good intent
Who's content to be
Leader of the house, doling out the charm
Ready with a handshake and an open palm
Tells a saucy tale, makes a little stir
Constituents appreciate a bon-viveur
Glad to do a friend a favor
Doesn't cost me to be nice
But nothing gets you nothing
Everything has got a little price!
Leader of the house, keeper of the zoo
Ready to relieve 'em of a pound or two
Watering the wine, making up the weight
Pickin' up their knick-knacks when they can't see straight
Everybody loves a leader
Everybody's bosom friend
I do whatever pleases
Jesus! Won't I bleed 'em in the end!
Leader of the house, quick to catch yer eye
Never wants a passerby to pass him by
Servant to the poor, butler to the great
Comforter, philosopher, and lifelong mate!
Everybody's boon companion
Everybody's chaperone
But lock up your valises
Jesus! Won't I skin you to the bone!
Enter tax payer, lay down your load
Unlace your boots, rest from the road
This weighs a ton, travel's a curse
But here we strive to lighten your purse
Here the goose is cooked
Here the fat is fried
And nothing's overlooked
Till I'm satisfied
Food beyond compare. Food beyond belief
Mix it in a mincer and pretend it's beef
Kidney of a horse, liver of a cat
Filling up the sausages with this and that
Residents are more than welcome
Bridal suite is occupied
Reasonable charges
Plus some little extras on the side!
Charge 'em for the lice, extra for the mice
Two percent for looking in the mirror twice
Here a little slice, there a little cut
Three percent for sleeping with the window shut
When it comes to fixing prices
There are a lot of tricks he knows
How it all increases, all them bits and pieces
Jesus! It's amazing how it grows!
Leader of the house, quick to catch yer eye
Never wants a passerby to pass him by
Servant to the poor, butler to the great
Comforter, philosopher, and lifelong mate!
Everybody's boon companion
Gives 'em everything he's got
Dirty bunch of geezers
Jesus! What a sorry little lot!
I used to dream that I would meet a prince
But God Almighty, have you seen what's happened since?
Leader of the house?
Isn't worth me spit!
`Comforter, philosopher' and lifelong shit!
Cunning little brain, regular Voltaire
Thinks he's quite a lover but there's not much there
What a cruel trick of nature landed me with such a louse
God knows how I've lasted living with this bastard in the house!
Leader of the house!
Leader and a half!
Comforter, philosopher
don't make me laugh!
Servant to the poor, butler to the great
Hypocrite and toady and inebriate!
Everybody bless the landlord! Everybody bless his spouse!
Everybody raise a glass
Raise it up the leader's arse
Everybody raise a glass to the Leader of the House!
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Friday, April 17, 2009
another leak about labours internet campaign
I've just received these emails in a brown paper internet connection, they reveal that labours internet camapign has changed:
On 13 April 2009, at 18:34, "Dangerous Bridie" wrote:
I say chaps, I've just thought of a cracking wheeze involving this internetty bloggadooda thing!
What about we set up one of those online newslettery things and tell everyone how spiffing we are and how terribly gooder we are than those poor chaps in the blue?
What say you all?
On 13 April 2009, at 18:35, "Delilah Dufflecoat" wrote:
I think he's onto something here! It's something we've never tried before. I say "what ho and give it a go"!
On 13 April 2009, at 18:36, "Free Wheelin" wrote:
Ya pair o stupit diddies! I arrange all this funding for you and the best you can come up with is a fornicatin blog? Get yer fengers oot an dae sumthin!
On 13 April 2009, at 18:37, "Dangerous Bridie" wrote:
Oh, you're a bit rough, aren't you? This interwebbing is all the rage, you know, even Pressy Obama did it and you know how sexy he is.
On 13 April 2009, at 18:38, "Delilah Dufflecoat" wrote:
Oooooh, isn't he? If he did it so should we, let's get sexy! What shall we write?
On 13 April 2009, at 18:39, "Free Wheelin" wrote:
give me strength!
On 13 April 2009, at 18:40, "Dangerous Bridie" wrote:
well, we should make it clear that we're going to be nice.
On 13 April 2009, at 18:41, "Delilah Dufflecoat" wrote:
You're right, you're right, let's invite that nice Mr Cameron round for tea and a spot of cake.
On 13 April 2009, at 18:42, "Dangerous Bridie" wrote:
Oh what a good idea, you're a genius, so you are!!!! And we can offer him all the Tory policies back - we've had tehm too long.
On 13 April 2009, at 18:43, "Free Wheelin" wrote:
I think I'll offer him you two.
On 13 April 2009, at 18:44, "Dangerous Bridie" and "Delilah Dufflecoat" wrote:
Oh, you are wicked, sir, suits you sir.
On 13 April 2009, at 18:45, "Free Wheelin" wrote:
I give up
On 13 April 2009, at 18:46, "Dangerous Bridie" wrote:
I do like a submissive one!
On 13 April 2009, at 18:47, "Dangerous Bridie" wrote:
Oooooh! Behave!
On 13 April 2009, at 18:34, "Dangerous Bridie" wrote:
I say chaps, I've just thought of a cracking wheeze involving this internetty bloggadooda thing!
What about we set up one of those online newslettery things and tell everyone how spiffing we are and how terribly gooder we are than those poor chaps in the blue?
What say you all?
On 13 April 2009, at 18:35, "Delilah Dufflecoat" wrote:
I think he's onto something here! It's something we've never tried before. I say "what ho and give it a go"!
On 13 April 2009, at 18:36, "Free Wheelin" wrote:
Ya pair o stupit diddies! I arrange all this funding for you and the best you can come up with is a fornicatin blog? Get yer fengers oot an dae sumthin!
On 13 April 2009, at 18:37, "Dangerous Bridie" wrote:
Oh, you're a bit rough, aren't you? This interwebbing is all the rage, you know, even Pressy Obama did it and you know how sexy he is.
On 13 April 2009, at 18:38, "Delilah Dufflecoat" wrote:
Oooooh, isn't he? If he did it so should we, let's get sexy! What shall we write?
On 13 April 2009, at 18:39, "Free Wheelin" wrote:
give me strength!
On 13 April 2009, at 18:40, "Dangerous Bridie" wrote:
well, we should make it clear that we're going to be nice.
On 13 April 2009, at 18:41, "Delilah Dufflecoat" wrote:
You're right, you're right, let's invite that nice Mr Cameron round for tea and a spot of cake.
On 13 April 2009, at 18:42, "Dangerous Bridie" wrote:
Oh what a good idea, you're a genius, so you are!!!! And we can offer him all the Tory policies back - we've had tehm too long.
On 13 April 2009, at 18:43, "Free Wheelin" wrote:
I think I'll offer him you two.
On 13 April 2009, at 18:44, "Dangerous Bridie" and "Delilah Dufflecoat" wrote:
Oh, you are wicked, sir, suits you sir.
On 13 April 2009, at 18:45, "Free Wheelin" wrote:
I give up
On 13 April 2009, at 18:46, "Dangerous Bridie" wrote:
I do like a submissive one!
On 13 April 2009, at 18:47, "Dangerous Bridie" wrote:
Oooooh! Behave!
Thursday, April 9, 2009
it was jacqui smith wot dun it
chunder chunder chunder chunder chunder chunder
It took me ages to get out of thart cupboard. who locked the door, who was it, come on, come on.
Anyway, I can exclusively reveal that Jacqui Smith, the two Home Secretarey was at home in Redditch with her husband on rthe 1st and the 6th of april last year when the porn was bought.
here's the transcripts from the listening device that MFI installed in their house (well, MFI seems to have been there a lot):
1st
Her: Darling, I think we might be right royally screwed when the expenses claims are published after we lose the court case to keep it secret.
Him: Really dear? Why's that?
Her: Well, they'll find out about everything, not just our £550 stone sink and console for the kitchen, £568.95 for two washing machines, £119.99 for a Vax carpet cleaner, £405.37 for plumbing, £500 on a shower mixer, and 88p bath plug, £1,000 fireplace, £369.99 32-inch flatscreen TV, £575 armchair, £511.20 sofabed, £72 for four scatter cushions, and £110 on bed linen as well as £1,370 on decorators, £1,200 on electrical work, and £409 for carpenters to fix the front, back and toilet doors and our cleaners at more than £2,000 a year, and mortgage interest over £11,000 a year. They'll even find out about, you know - the thing ...
Him: The thing? You didn't get that on expenses too, did you?
Her: Of course I did, I get everything on expenses.
Him: Including the loo roll?
Her: Yes.
Him: They won't find out that you employ me will they?
Her: They already know. They also know that I pay you £40,000 a year to write letters to teh local paper saying how wonderful I am.
Him: £40,000? I didn't know I got paid that much!
Her: Well, it goes straight into my account.
Him: Oh.
Her: It'll all come crashing down around our ears when the receipts get published though.
Him: Do what Alastair Campbell always did - run some interference.
Her: Some what?
Him: Have a distraction, something to take their attention away.
Her: A distraction! Excellent idea. You can be the distraction, give me that TV control.
Him: What on earth are you doing?
Her: There you are, you sit there and watch some porn.
Him: What? What for? I've seen this one before, it's not very good, the storyline isn't believable.
Her: What storyline?
Him: Exactly my point, it's all just full of sex, you're much better with something like Tickling Santa - at least there's some singing.
Her: How much of this stuff do you watch?
Him: I never watch any of it.
Her: Hmmmmmm....
Him: Anyway, why have you put porn on the telly?
Her: So I can claim it back on expenses.
Him: What? Have you gone mad? Don't you think there's enough filth al;ready in your expenses?
Her: Yes, but when teh press see a porn film being claimed for they'll go nuts and they'll ignore everything else.
Him: But they'll never believe that you watch porn.
Her: That's why you're taking the blame.
6th April
Her: Give me that TV remote
Him: What for?
Her: Just hand it over.
Him: What are you doing? More porn? Why?
Her: one won't be enough, you'll need to look like a serial filthy pervert.
Him: Can't we blame someone else?
Her: No. You're the closest to a pervert I know - other than Nigel Griffiths...
It took me ages to get out of thart cupboard. who locked the door, who was it, come on, come on.
Anyway, I can exclusively reveal that Jacqui Smith, the two Home Secretarey was at home in Redditch with her husband on rthe 1st and the 6th of april last year when the porn was bought.
here's the transcripts from the listening device that MFI installed in their house (well, MFI seems to have been there a lot):
1st
Her: Darling, I think we might be right royally screwed when the expenses claims are published after we lose the court case to keep it secret.
Him: Really dear? Why's that?
Her: Well, they'll find out about everything, not just our £550 stone sink and console for the kitchen, £568.95 for two washing machines, £119.99 for a Vax carpet cleaner, £405.37 for plumbing, £500 on a shower mixer, and 88p bath plug, £1,000 fireplace, £369.99 32-inch flatscreen TV, £575 armchair, £511.20 sofabed, £72 for four scatter cushions, and £110 on bed linen as well as £1,370 on decorators, £1,200 on electrical work, and £409 for carpenters to fix the front, back and toilet doors and our cleaners at more than £2,000 a year, and mortgage interest over £11,000 a year. They'll even find out about, you know - the thing ...
Him: The thing? You didn't get that on expenses too, did you?
Her: Of course I did, I get everything on expenses.
Him: Including the loo roll?
Her: Yes.
Him: They won't find out that you employ me will they?
Her: They already know. They also know that I pay you £40,000 a year to write letters to teh local paper saying how wonderful I am.
Him: £40,000? I didn't know I got paid that much!
Her: Well, it goes straight into my account.
Him: Oh.
Her: It'll all come crashing down around our ears when the receipts get published though.
Him: Do what Alastair Campbell always did - run some interference.
Her: Some what?
Him: Have a distraction, something to take their attention away.
Her: A distraction! Excellent idea. You can be the distraction, give me that TV control.
Him: What on earth are you doing?
Her: There you are, you sit there and watch some porn.
Him: What? What for? I've seen this one before, it's not very good, the storyline isn't believable.
Her: What storyline?
Him: Exactly my point, it's all just full of sex, you're much better with something like Tickling Santa - at least there's some singing.
Her: How much of this stuff do you watch?
Him: I never watch any of it.
Her: Hmmmmmm....
Him: Anyway, why have you put porn on the telly?
Her: So I can claim it back on expenses.
Him: What? Have you gone mad? Don't you think there's enough filth al;ready in your expenses?
Her: Yes, but when teh press see a porn film being claimed for they'll go nuts and they'll ignore everything else.
Him: But they'll never believe that you watch porn.
Her: That's why you're taking the blame.
6th April
Her: Give me that TV remote
Him: What for?
Her: Just hand it over.
Him: What are you doing? More porn? Why?
Her: one won't be enough, you'll need to look like a serial filthy pervert.
Him: Can't we blame someone else?
Her: No. You're the closest to a pervert I know - other than Nigel Griffiths...
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Dirty Shagger
Just look at this dirty shagpile carpet here.
Terrible isn't it. IMagine letting your shagpile get that dirty. Whoever is responsible for it should own up quickly. They should be ashamed of themselves. The worst thing would be if they tried to claim they couldn`t remember getting the carpet dirty....
...why, why did you think I was talking about?
Terrible isn't it. IMagine letting your shagpile get that dirty. Whoever is responsible for it should own up quickly. They should be ashamed of themselves. The worst thing would be if they tried to claim they couldn`t remember getting the carpet dirty....
...why, why did you think I was talking about?
Monday, March 23, 2009
Friday, March 13, 2009
My favourite hymn
What a Friend we have in Gordon, He has shown He really cares
He is our strength and our salvation, He’s the answer to our prayers.
O what peace we often forfeit, O what needless pain we bear,
All because we do not carry everything to Gord ‘n’ share.
Have we trials and temptations? Is there trouble anywhere?
We should never be discouraged; take it to the Gord ‘n’ share.
Can we find a friend so faithful who will all our borrows share?
Gordon taxes all our income; take it to the Gord ‘n’ share.
Are we poor and well indebted, cumbered with a load of care?
Precious Saviour, still our refuge, take it to the Gord ‘n’ share.
Do your friends despise, forsake you? Take it to the Gord ‘n’ share!
His fiscal stimulus will shield you; you will find a solace there.
Blessed Saviour, Thou hast promised Thou wilt all our burdens bear
May we ever, Gord, be bringing all to Thee, here, have my share.
Soon in glory bright unclouded there will be no need for shares
Bankrupts, debt and endless taxing will be our sweet portion there.
He is our strength and our salvation, He’s the answer to our prayers.
O what peace we often forfeit, O what needless pain we bear,
All because we do not carry everything to Gord ‘n’ share.
Have we trials and temptations? Is there trouble anywhere?
We should never be discouraged; take it to the Gord ‘n’ share.
Can we find a friend so faithful who will all our borrows share?
Gordon taxes all our income; take it to the Gord ‘n’ share.
Are we poor and well indebted, cumbered with a load of care?
Precious Saviour, still our refuge, take it to the Gord ‘n’ share.
Do your friends despise, forsake you? Take it to the Gord ‘n’ share!
His fiscal stimulus will shield you; you will find a solace there.
Blessed Saviour, Thou hast promised Thou wilt all our burdens bear
May we ever, Gord, be bringing all to Thee, here, have my share.
Soon in glory bright unclouded there will be no need for shares
Bankrupts, debt and endless taxing will be our sweet portion there.
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